its feels weird that i'm back

its a disconcerting feeling of distant familarity to be back in singapore. where everything works as it should and buildings are airconditioned and the weather is hot and  humid. this time, being back feels rather different from the last time. even more disconnected i suppose. the last time, on the build up to coming home, i made all sorts of plans to meet up well before i was even home.. and my schedule wa packed from the time i landed to when i left. now... i haven't made any plans.. i've sortof came straight home... mum and dad were at the airport and boy was i glad to see them.

 

in a way, i feel like i've aged in the past year. that i'm happy with a small by sure group of friends that i confide and share my life with.. they needn't be where i am (uk or singapore) but i know they'll be there. i don't want to pick up on some of the things i've left off (in singapore) with in the fear that it's all to superficial, for when i leave (which isn't very long more) i'll be gone, and it'll be insincere if i didn't keep up, ask about, or show i care.. though it is not often possible for a different place calls upon different challenges, and my attention subverts to somewhere else.. and its hard, belive me, to keep up ties that weren't that concrete to start with.

 

but there's this community called the neither-here-nor-there club. made up of people in constant transit. many who are not yet certain where they'd be. they are neither labelled as 'singapore' or 'overseas' (possibley both sometimes)... where good conversation comes out of asking 'so are you going to stay on or....' somehow, i identify with this group most. the fears of not being able to find jobs here (its not that easy you know) and fears of staying on (overseas) (but how about my parents?) (when i come back will i have to re-adjust over again?)

 

the thing about going overseas is that you have to adapt. the good thing is that you've never been there.. so no one there has any expectations of you and neither do you have any expectations of yourself. coming back is different... its not just friends.. its the hawker centre auntie or uncle.. or something .. i don't know, your boss, your clients (or if in my case, patients.. but who knows?) they will label you 'singaporean' and if you don't match up to their expectations (good or bad) you're just a weird 'singaporean'.

 

i've always told myself that i will eventually come back here.. that home home is still singapore. but i always had the impression that coming home home was akin to slipping on my sandles... effortless and without the need to adapt (or think about adapting..)

 

i guess... its safe to say that i can only hope and pray that God will show me a way(!) but anyhow, too much thinking. and i have missed the food here...... . .