can't walk away

it has been ages since i've last logged down the events of the past weeks... the problem is that there is so much going on i don't know where to start. there are so many thoughts in my head.. thoughts of work, school, or the future perhaps and feelings of apprehension of not knowing if i'll be good enough now or good enough then.

it seems like the harder i kick, i'm just about threading water, enough to keep me above for a while; until i'm too tired. thats when i take a deep breath and let myself go under.. for a while.

the last few weeks i've spent, putting in cannulas, doing ABGs, clerking patients, talking to family members, talking to patients themselves, running around, trying to understand how the system all works and trying to understand how i fit into the system.

the days start at about 7-8am+ and end around 7-8pm and if i'm (un)lucky, prob leave aroun 9:30pm+

and by the time i get home, i've just enough to put something into the oven and try to read up what i've learnt in the dayh before the alarm clock rings again.

the problem is, i'm faced everyday, with the question of "why am i doing what i'm doing?". sometimes i'm at the point of regret. there are so many other jobs and so many others that are probably more enjoyable, pay more, and allow me so much much more time...

i have always envied those who live the dream. and this is my dream, or is it? i've always wanted to do this (or have i?) i'll go into the day with thoughts like this, but there is work to be done, mrs smith needs her bloods done and mr jones isn't to happy with his current medication. the team is short-staffed and i have to do scut work, i get scolded by nurses keen on infection control... but i meet the patient who is going home you see. she's happy that the chest pain she came in with isn't going to end her life. we've done the tests and they came out negative, we've given the meds and she's a-okay. and it makes me glad... happy that somehow, i've been a part of their joy. that perhaps for all the possibilities where i could see myself in, i'm here, for now; and i get the chance to actually make a difference in their care. in their life. it might mean more time to spend with their children, or giving them the dignity even in death, or knowing that i care.

but i can't walk away now you see... i can't see and not feel, turn my back and walk out. i can't