cynical acumen

my first brush with cynicism probably happened a year or 2 before i got into medical school. then, I was 16, fresh out of secondary school, and having just decided what to do with my life. Or at least, more accurately, what i wanted to do for the next few years, which probably equated to the next one third of my life so far.

i had decided to pursue medicine and with a head full of ideas and a heart full of dreams, I went ahead to face the world with a new sense of purpose and mission. just in that year of '99, I found myself at the doctor's due to a cold. the GP who attended to me was all very nice. just as a matter of conversation, he asked me what i intended to do after i had left school. i confidently told him that i was hoping to read medicine and hopefully one day, become a doctor just as he was.

its interesting that i had considered his reaction in my mind. i was expecting him to pause and perhaps give me some word of encouragement, seeing this young man brimming with enthusiasm for his future. perhaps he would offer me sagely advice and maybe even be a reference for me in the years to come in all things medical or not. well, that was what i thought anyway.

"have you thought hard about this?" he asked slightly mocking the time and effort i've spent talking to fellow classmates and reading books on how its like to be a doctor. despite not having the whole picture figured out, i suppose that i had made as informed a decision as i could have. he followed by "you know there's no money in medicine" fair enough point. many people have the misconception that medicine, is one of those professions that afford you many luxuries. truth is, though life as a doctor can be confortable, it wouldn't necessarily be lavish.. that i knew. but somehow, having him raised that as the second question made me feel that he was somewhat jaded about this whole money issue.

there was more, but its too long ago for me to recall what transpired now. all i knew is that i left feeling slightly tired. its an exhaustive feeling. having your expectations not met... but more than not, it was discouraging to see his reaction. little did i know that it would not be the first of a long line of cynicism i would be witness to as soon as i start my education.

its most heartbreaking to hear that the friends (that are fellow medics) that you have shared similar passions with relegate into the cynicism that you fight to reject. more difficult is when the interest isn't the same anymore. or worse still, when they put down your enthusiasm as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed blinded excitement. it felt like that the night before, when i had dinner with a couple of friends. i felt utterly stupid for being interested in my work. i was 'one of those' and i was a 'yound innocent third year student' its painful when enthusiasm is equated to the lack of experience and the lack of excitement as the hallmark of experience... possibly because they've "been there , done that and got the t-shirt"

i don't want to be like that; i don't want to be cynical, i don't want to discourage those that come before me. its abit like the christian walk isn't it? it does get harder cos as we grow closer in relationship with God, we see the disparity of who we are from who we ought to be. its not easy to live as a christian in the world. but do we discourage, young, new, eager christians? do we say "haha watch out, its only going to get harder!! HAHAA" no we protect, nurture this flame. because we know that passion, and enthusiasm validates what we we do. it makes a difference between living the life and merely perfoming the tasks.

not so in medicine. more than once i've receive snide remarks. there are those that start with "wait till you get to ... " or "when you are 5th year" or just blatant concessions that they are sick of it. i think personal opinion is one thing. but when it is used in conversation to discourage intentionally or unintentionally, it shouldn't be something to be proud of. it only makes the "young and innocent" one think that perhaps to get ahead he should be more jaded and more unhappy with what he is doing. it subconciously, but surely eats into you. the more you hear it the more disturbing it gets!

it was lousy last night to feel that way. but it only makes we more aware of the pitfalls and dangers that i might face in the years ahead. my goal will be hopefully to get through this, ideals intact, and perhaps, God-willing, make a positive difference to those who come after me.